We're all a bunch of idiots.
With grown up lives but too stupid to know how to handle them.
This idiot wants to grow into her grown life now.
This idiot isn't kidding around anymore.
This idiot is pissed off, annoyed, and tired as all that's unholy and shit-ridden
This idiot wants to grow into less of an idiot already.
This idiot is doing what the idiot must.
This idiot doesn't want to be this big of an idiot any longer.
This idiot is sick of your idiocy.
What are you idiots going to do with yourselves?
You going to sit back and keep shitting your idiot lives?
You idiot!
Grow up!
Fucking hell!
I need you to grow up!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday April 1, 2008 Day 57
As you all are my witness - I will never kiss, fuck, or love a child in a mans body ever again.
They're just so pathetic and stupid sometimes, it's sickening.
-Cherry
They're just so pathetic and stupid sometimes, it's sickening.
-Cherry
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Saturday March 29, 2008, Day 54
I almost ran away today. It was good to see an old face again and a relatively new face who seems like an old one. I missed them both. It was worth freezing out in the cold with an aching knee just to see them and pass the time away.
He, the old face, made me realize - I might not be looking for closure right now. Right now, I don't think I am. I'm looking for a touch, a kiss, an apology, an "I missed you," a hug, a phone call - the kind that start at 9:00 pm and reluctantly end at 4:00 am the next morning. That's why I can't call. I need closure, not that. Not now. Maybe later. I can't want any of that right now. I need to want closure - that is all.
- Cherry
He, the old face, made me realize - I might not be looking for closure right now. Right now, I don't think I am. I'm looking for a touch, a kiss, an apology, an "I missed you," a hug, a phone call - the kind that start at 9:00 pm and reluctantly end at 4:00 am the next morning. That's why I can't call. I need closure, not that. Not now. Maybe later. I can't want any of that right now. I need to want closure - that is all.
- Cherry
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday March 28, 2008 Day 53
Europe doesn't help when you're trying to quit smoking. I doubt I'm back on, however eating dinner tonight was somewhat uncomfortable. My esophogus is feeling a bit on the raw side. Speaking of raw, my lip is starting to feel that way again. It almost feels like a lip. It's gone back to appearing normal a while back and it's getting better every week. It's not sensitive anymore, and I highly doubt I'll manage to regain the same amount of feeling back. Oh well, that's the price one pays for being stupid I guess.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to make my peace with the guy I mentioned yesterday. I've been waiting to talk to him, waiting for the right time to be able to scoop up the settled dust. I've missed our friendship; however, I'm not ready to make nice just yet. I'm too prone to make a mistake with my - hmmm... what to call it? My heart? I hate that. It's not ... concrete? I'm not a concrete person, so that can't be why. It just doesn't sound right. It's too dramatic. Either way, the point is I don't feel it's a good idea to put myself in a position where I might find myself in another relationship. I might give in easily at my current state. I might do and say things that are utterly mindless, even if they are what I feel. Mind before gut. Although it plays games, the mind is still the wisest. The gut is truthful, but reckless; sometimes selfish. It only knows how it feels, what it wants, and only acts in accordance to itself and itself alone. I can't do that now.
Then there is the other one. Oh, that other one. The fool. That pitiful little fool. The joker with me as the semi-mindless doll in a joke he unintensionally created for us. That fool. Now he's with another, but not. I like her quite a lot. Unlike him, she is no fool. Reckless maybe, but not a fool. They're good together, but if he becomes himself at the wrong time... oh god the fool. The stupid little fool. The fucking little kid - a kid, that's what he is. Until he becomes open to finding out who he is, and safe with himself to allow someone to sit beside him, sharing him- he's a kid, a dumb little kid who, if he dissappoints her, will never hear from me again.
Some say, look how much you suffer after ____. Wouldn't you feel the same way if you sever your ties with this other one? My answer is thus: The two are completely different. I have a history with ____, this other one, we had a joke. A fun joke no doubt, but a joke nonetheless.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
- Cherry
I'm not sure if I'm ready to make my peace with the guy I mentioned yesterday. I've been waiting to talk to him, waiting for the right time to be able to scoop up the settled dust. I've missed our friendship; however, I'm not ready to make nice just yet. I'm too prone to make a mistake with my - hmmm... what to call it? My heart? I hate that. It's not ... concrete? I'm not a concrete person, so that can't be why. It just doesn't sound right. It's too dramatic. Either way, the point is I don't feel it's a good idea to put myself in a position where I might find myself in another relationship. I might give in easily at my current state. I might do and say things that are utterly mindless, even if they are what I feel. Mind before gut. Although it plays games, the mind is still the wisest. The gut is truthful, but reckless; sometimes selfish. It only knows how it feels, what it wants, and only acts in accordance to itself and itself alone. I can't do that now.
Then there is the other one. Oh, that other one. The fool. That pitiful little fool. The joker with me as the semi-mindless doll in a joke he unintensionally created for us. That fool. Now he's with another, but not. I like her quite a lot. Unlike him, she is no fool. Reckless maybe, but not a fool. They're good together, but if he becomes himself at the wrong time... oh god the fool. The stupid little fool. The fucking little kid - a kid, that's what he is. Until he becomes open to finding out who he is, and safe with himself to allow someone to sit beside him, sharing him- he's a kid, a dumb little kid who, if he dissappoints her, will never hear from me again.
Some say, look how much you suffer after ____. Wouldn't you feel the same way if you sever your ties with this other one? My answer is thus: The two are completely different. I have a history with ____, this other one, we had a joke. A fun joke no doubt, but a joke nonetheless.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
- Cherry
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Thursday March 27, 2008 Day 52
It's his birthday today - I should call him to wish him well and see how he's doing. Afterall, it has been a little over a year by now since the last time we spoke.
It's just a birthday. Why can't I wish him a happy one? Simply because I'm cautious. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of the voice I barely remember saying "Hello" and how my voice will sound when I say "Hey is this ___? It's [Cherry]. Just calling to wish you a happy birthday... How've you been?"
His response can either be good or bad: both are equally daunting in my view.
I'm not ready for someone new, nevermind something old that's been set aside collecting dust in the attic of my body.
By the way - it's nice to meet you. Call me Cherry.
It's just a birthday. Why can't I wish him a happy one? Simply because I'm cautious. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of the voice I barely remember saying "Hello" and how my voice will sound when I say "Hey is this ___? It's [Cherry]. Just calling to wish you a happy birthday... How've you been?"
His response can either be good or bad: both are equally daunting in my view.
I'm not ready for someone new, nevermind something old that's been set aside collecting dust in the attic of my body.
By the way - it's nice to meet you. Call me Cherry.
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