To Say the Least...

Hello, hello.

To the people who restumble upon this thing again, I thought I'd leave you with a few things:

Firstly, I find it funny how we all created blogs around the same time shit hit the fan. In comparison to all of you, mine seems rather naked. It's no secret for why my blog is this way; I have very little to rant about these days. The emotional detox I put myself through came to a close quite awhile ago and it's partial due to my sudden abandonment of all of you. I abandonned you physically, and I can't say that I regret it. I'm happy to see that I've long since been part of your rants for it makes clear to me that you all have moved on since that eventful February.

Secondly: I would like to leave you with a few truths. At the moment, I have no intention of reconnecting with any of you. I don't miss you, and I'm not sorry about that truth. Since you've been gone, I've been able to live the way I want to. My life is the perfect balance of meaningful shit and sunshine, and I intend to maintain that balance. If you're questionning why I'm writing this, it's simply because I feel that you all are entitled to have access to this truth. Someone abandonned me last year and failed to tell me why in person. So I'd in retrospect, I'd prefer that you read the truth coming from me - that's all.

Thirdly: I'm doing very well. The college process, the election, and school have been their usual joys, but I'm getting through it all with my head still in it's rightful place. Thanks to Jesus Camp (Kairos retreat), I connected with a few people in my grade while establishing a mutual understanding with my whole grade. All in all, school has gotten much easier for me socially, and I know I'm going to leave this year in a better place than I expected. As far as dating goes, I'm not looking for a committment seeing as I have very little time to commit to anyone but myself; however, I have been dating, and I intend to keep it that way until someone sparks my interest. Still low on dough, but then again, who isn't nowadays with this economy.

Finally: I'm not a complete cold hearted dick stick - I'm still keeping up with you and all your crazy lives. I read your blogs, I just don't comment. If I feel that you are in serious trouble, make no mistake, I won't just watch. Know that I do still care about you, and that I'm always watching, even if it doesn't feel that way, and even if you don't hear from me.

I wish the best for all of you.
Take care, strive to be happy, and don't forget to live.

- Cherry

Monday July 7, 2008

Given the progress that he has made in these past 4 months, I've been itching to say this, I am so proud of him. And yet, the sad thing is I can't tell him yet, I can't stop pretending yet, I can't stop abusing him yet, he is coming so far, I can't just stop now. The kid is growing up, and the best part is, he is growing on his own terms. All I am is an ,army of pawns in a game of chess. In this game, I am using my pawns to manipulate the rook, the piece that can only move forward, back and side to side who often does not stop until it hits something. As a pawn, I can do no real damage, but I can make him move in baby steps. I can attack him on a diagonal in one move. Next, he will move in front of me, putting me in the hotspot. To retaliate, I will move my next pawn adjacent to the first, putting the rook in danger once again. Presently, what this rook does is move two to the side, one past his original square. As I said, he is moving in baby steps, but regardless, I am more than pleased.

Call me twisted, call me mad, but no matter what you call me, I do not care - I have no regrets doing what I am doing. When I left _______, he didn't feel he had a grasp of himself. I could not predict what he was going to be like when he got older. The reason why his lack of understanding concerned me is because of the amount of responsibility he has resting on his shoulders. People depend on him. People need him. The way he was before, he desired to be perfect for others; however, he always neglected himself - although he often denied it. He couldn't take care of himself first. He didn't think to see himself first. Not neccessarily in all aspects of his life, but many.

Tuesday July 1, 2008

I know it's horrible to say this, but sometimes I just don't believe a word she says.

Cherry

Sunday, May 11, 2008 Day 97

Coffee and cigarettes don't go down the same way these days.
I miss the one who made me stay
Habits mean nothing if they no longer keep you sane.
So I say, ho heartedly, through fatigue and pain,
Without you, nothing feels the same.

I miss him so much.

-Cherry

Thursday, April 10, 2008 Day 66

[Cherry + (Mysteriously missing _(neccessity)_ + Stolen $90 Sunglasses + Empty Bank Account + School + Immature Collegues + College Process + Unemployment + Inablility to See The Floor in My Bedroom) - (Sex + Laptop + Functioning iPod + Art + Facilities Suitable to Make Art + Actual Peace Between Close (or once close) Friends)] X (Good Dose of Reality) = Please Pass the Gin!

Cherry

Day 57: Utter Stupidity

We're all a bunch of idiots.
With grown up lives but too stupid to know how to handle them.
This idiot wants to grow into her grown life now.
This idiot isn't kidding around anymore.
This idiot is pissed off, annoyed, and tired as all that's unholy and shit-ridden
This idiot wants to grow into less of an idiot already.
This idiot is doing what the idiot must.
This idiot doesn't want to be this big of an idiot any longer.
This idiot is sick of your idiocy.
What are you idiots going to do with yourselves?
You going to sit back and keep shitting your idiot lives?
You idiot!
Grow up!
Fucking hell!
I need you to grow up!

Tuesday April 1, 2008 Day 57

As you all are my witness - I will never kiss, fuck, or love a child in a mans body ever again.
They're just so pathetic and stupid sometimes, it's sickening.

-Cherry

Saturday March 29, 2008, Day 54

I almost ran away today. It was good to see an old face again and a relatively new face who seems like an old one. I missed them both. It was worth freezing out in the cold with an aching knee just to see them and pass the time away.
He, the old face, made me realize - I might not be looking for closure right now. Right now, I don't think I am. I'm looking for a touch, a kiss, an apology, an "I missed you," a hug, a phone call - the kind that start at 9:00 pm and reluctantly end at 4:00 am the next morning. That's why I can't call. I need closure, not that. Not now. Maybe later. I can't want any of that right now. I need to want closure - that is all.

- Cherry

Friday March 28, 2008 Day 53

Europe doesn't help when you're trying to quit smoking. I doubt I'm back on, however eating dinner tonight was somewhat uncomfortable. My esophogus is feeling a bit on the raw side. Speaking of raw, my lip is starting to feel that way again. It almost feels like a lip. It's gone back to appearing normal a while back and it's getting better every week. It's not sensitive anymore, and I highly doubt I'll manage to regain the same amount of feeling back. Oh well, that's the price one pays for being stupid I guess.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to make my peace with the guy I mentioned yesterday. I've been waiting to talk to him, waiting for the right time to be able to scoop up the settled dust. I've missed our friendship; however, I'm not ready to make nice just yet. I'm too prone to make a mistake with my - hmmm... what to call it? My heart? I hate that. It's not ... concrete? I'm not a concrete person, so that can't be why. It just doesn't sound right. It's too dramatic. Either way, the point is I don't feel it's a good idea to put myself in a position where I might find myself in another relationship. I might give in easily at my current state. I might do and say things that are utterly mindless, even if they are what I feel. Mind before gut. Although it plays games, the mind is still the wisest. The gut is truthful, but reckless; sometimes selfish. It only knows how it feels, what it wants, and only acts in accordance to itself and itself alone. I can't do that now.
Then there is the other one. Oh, that other one. The fool. That pitiful little fool. The joker with me as the semi-mindless doll in a joke he unintensionally created for us. That fool. Now he's with another, but not. I like her quite a lot. Unlike him, she is no fool. Reckless maybe, but not a fool. They're good together, but if he becomes himself at the wrong time... oh god the fool. The stupid little fool. The fucking little kid - a kid, that's what he is. Until he becomes open to finding out who he is, and safe with himself to allow someone to sit beside him, sharing him- he's a kid, a dumb little kid who, if he dissappoints her, will never hear from me again.
Some say, look how much you suffer after ____. Wouldn't you feel the same way if you sever your ties with this other one? My answer is thus: The two are completely different. I have a history with ____, this other one, we had a joke. A fun joke no doubt, but a joke nonetheless.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

- Cherry

Thursday March 27, 2008 Day 52

It's his birthday today - I should call him to wish him well and see how he's doing. Afterall, it has been a little over a year by now since the last time we spoke.
It's just a birthday. Why can't I wish him a happy one? Simply because I'm cautious. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of the voice I barely remember saying "Hello" and how my voice will sound when I say "Hey is this ___? It's [Cherry]. Just calling to wish you a happy birthday... How've you been?"
His response can either be good or bad: both are equally daunting in my view.
I'm not ready for someone new, nevermind something old that's been set aside collecting dust in the attic of my body.

By the way - it's nice to meet you. Call me Cherry.